Sekimori - Live Blog

The life of a DVD player can be determined by how much you spend on it. The equation is: 1 month of life for every $10 you spend on the player.

Inscribe that somewhere for me, wouldja.

Oh, and the new Mustang commercial with Steve McQueen is a delight to behold.

Posted 11/08/04
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How to Get a Spectacular Deal on Your Next Trade-In

1. Find the largest dealership in your area. Helps if they do on the order of millions of $$ per month. This gives them some leeway with customers who might have less than stellar credit. It's called 'buying power'.

2. Go near the end of the model year. The '05s aren't out yet, and they have about twenty of the car you want sitting on the lot. This makes them antsy to make a deal.

3. Don't actually have a NEED to trade your car in. Your current vehicle is less than 2 years old and still runs great, carries a good bit of blue book value, factory warranty, etc.

4. Be willing to make a downpayment...but don't tell them that. Make them talk you into it.

Using the above (and who knows, maybe a fortuitous conjunction of the planets, as well), we got a DEAL on a '04 Element from Brandon Honda in central Florida. Our previous interest rate was 15% (having purchased the car during a credit rebuilding time), and we walked out of there with 60 months financing at 3.9% after paying a mere 1K down. If you live in central Florida and need a car, Brandon Honda is your place. They will bend over backwards (we kept them open until 10:30PM on a Friday night) to get the deal done and we couldn't be more appreciative.

Posted 10/31/04
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Of course, there is always the need to vent, isn't there...

First, some fashion notes:

1. If your pants are so baggy that you have to walk with your hand clenched on a wad of denim in your crotch just to hold them up, you do not look look like a five year old that really has to go potty BAD.

2. If your hat is turned slightly sideways on your head, it doesn't look looks like you're too stupid to put your hat on straight.

And now some etiquette notes:

1. Email the designer of a site and tell them they've coded the site all wrong because YOU cannot view the site in YOUR browser with YOUR settings, and you're going to get a rude response. And when it turns out that the problem with the page in question has to do with a large, unlinked URL that a COMMENTER has posted in the comments, then the response is going to be rude AND sarcastic. Gird your loins, or don't send that email, ya?

Use. Your. Fucking. Heads. People. And get over yourselves RIGHT NOW.

And really, if you're not actually updating your site, don't ping weblogs or blogrolling. That's just irritating.

Posted 10/15/04
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Tour boat waste case may stain Dave Matthews Band's 'green' image

I understand that accidents happen, but the bus was going over a river, and I'm pretty sure the Potty Purge button isn't situated carelessly near the windshield wipers. Someone did this on purpose, and the irony of an eco-freak's tour bus dumping 800 gallons of waste on unsuspecting tourists in their attempt to dump it illegally into a waterway is just magically delicious. Hypocrites.

**Update - As I suspected, it isn't as simple as pressing a button on the dashboard...the driver has to stop the bus, get out, pull out a hose and press a release lever. Baaad unintelligible rock star driver.

Posted 08/26/04
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On Art, Part II

This woman's way of thinking perfectly illustrates how divorced from reality some "artists" can be. She speaks of the WTC attacks as "wonderful ... because it was a new idea."

No. That is not acceptable. And I'm not just speaking as an American and one who is very vocal about my hatred for the perpetrators of the terror attacks. I'm speaking as a human, one who has fucking respect for human life and simply cannot view the deaths of 3000 people "in the abstract."

This woman is a complete an artist for cloaking her nutzoid political views in concrete and resin and foisting them off as "art"...and as a human being for completely failing to have anything resembling a moral compass.

Posted 09/19/02
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The closer we get to the anniversary of The Act of Terror We So Richly DeservedTM, and the louder the war drums beat, it seems like more and more people who were sitting on the fence are now making a choice. Any kind of a choice. Support the Iraqi "surgery," don't support the wearing of red white and blue, watch every 9/11 memorial you can find, bury your head in the pillows and don't even turn on the television. Arguments are springing up in the most unlikely places, people with no past political postings are now weighing in on everything from the likelihood of war with France to how appalling Ann Coulter looks in a mini-skirt.

On the Big Whiteboard, I think our culture has undergone another evolutionary change. In this past century, the 40s and 50s could be viewed as our grade school years, the 60s and 70s the adventurous and troublesome high school years, the 80s and 90s the trendy collegiate years. And now, in this new century, we're getting a taste of what it's like to be grown-ups. We have an unbelievable amount of information at our fingertips, we see what's happening in the world as it's happening. To not know that Robert Mugabe is a murderous thug who is once again sacrificing "his" people for his own ends, is to not have electricity and live deep in the Appalachian mountains. There is no hiding under the covers, eating Ben & Jerry's and watching Friends reruns. Reality smacks us in the face at every turn. It's time to stop blinking.

So, on this one year anniversary of the murder of nearly 3000 of our citizens, I'm going to REMEMBER. Remember the people in the towers, the people in the Pentagon, the people in the planes. I will remember who did it, why they did it, that they will probably try it again. And that they will most likely die screaming before succeeding this time.

I will remember that I am an American. And goddamned proud of it.

Posted 09/06/02
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A Show Of Hands

Who out there thinks that having an online presence, getting so many visitors a day, and people falling all over themselves to smooch your ass in public confers any sort of importance at all?

Posted 08/19/02
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Dogs And Cats Living Together

A meandering essay from a Dr. Leonard Sax, M.D., postulating that "environmental estrogens" are leading to "a shift from a male-dominated culture to a feminine or at least an androgynous society." Sperm counts are down, men's health magazine sales are up, men now care more about their appearance, girls are hitting puberty sooner, draft dogers are beating out war heroes in the political arena, alligators now have smaller penises, and the number of male college graduates is declining.

To me, it seems like a logical evolution: we needed the strength, determination and bullheadedness of the male dominated culture to claw our way up, ensure survival; now that survival is not an immediate concern, the female aspects of nurturing and caring are needed to ensure everything we've worked for isn't destroyed in a pissing contest.

Or it could be as simple as this: we've got half the money and all the pussy. I'll let you do the math on that one.

Posted 07/11/02
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Open Letter To The Sequel Makers

Dear Hollywood,

I'm afraid I must insist that you cease and desist with your embarrassing habit of making useless and unnecessary sequels. Um, now.

Why even bother remaking Dirty Dancing? Unless it's 10 years later and Baby is working as a crack ho because Johnny's union job didn't come through, I don't think you're adding anything to the original experience. What else could you possibly tell me by restaging the exact same story with the starlets of today? Will setting it to rap music in Compton or opera in Milan be any more meaningful? Brand me a radical if you must, but I'm thinking NO.

Gladiator 2? Pardon me, but didn't all the principals die in Gladiator 1? Maximus, his family, the evil Emperor...all dead. Will a Voudoun queen from the tropics resurrect them for some ass-whoopin' vengeance? (If so, you're definitely going to need an AC/DC soundtrack.) Will this be a prequel, showing Maximus' rise to power and glory on the battlefield? (If so, it's going to be pretty damned depressing, since we kind of know how his story ends already.) I just don't see whatinhell you could possibly come up with that wouldn't be a simple rehashing of an already written script. But maybe that's the point...all the costumes are already made, the sets are in storage, the dialogue already written. Just hire some actors who don't know any better, light the scenes a tad differently and voilá, $100 million at the box office.

And just who does that reveal as or the ticket buyers?

There are hundreds of thousands of writers out there with hundreds of thousands of new ideas. Slow down, pace yourselves, go find the original stories. Take a little longer to develop a movie. Spend the time crafting something of quality. Something that will make us go 'wow' instead of curse your ancestors and your offspring.

And seriously, stop giving parts to Chris Elliot, okay?


Posted 07/05/02
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Fueled by a whopping three hours of sleep and the gut-wrenching worry, I give you Things I Hate:

* Dogs that bark incessantly.
* Friends who are not.
* People who take advantage of my generous nature.
* Being unemployed.
* Calimari.
* People who do not question 'why?'
* Skorts.
* How expensive women's clothing is compared to men's.
* Freddie Prinze Jr.
* Movies with the same old plot.
* The fact that my monitor occasionally makes this snick sound.
* Strong, gusty winds.
* Any Netscape browser.
* Inscrutable sci-fi novels.
* Bad grammar.
* Indifference to punctuation.
* Stereotypes that are true.
* People who don't listen.
* Pumped car stereos.
* Mosquitos.
* Pet birds.
* The "poetry" of Jim Morrison.
* Our dependence on money.
* Summer colds.
* When the pool hasn't been skimmed.

Yes, there will eventually be a Things I Love a happier time.

Posted 04/11/02
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Excuse Me While I Whip This Out

I have the attention span of a clam today. A clam with, what are they calling it these days? A clam with a very short attention span. At any rate, I'm severely pre-menstrual. My children are avoiding me, my husband has that hunted look and I haven't seen a single cat for hours. So. Let's talk about chocolate.

Chocolate. It's reported to contain over 900 distinct flavors. Probably why women seem to enjoy it more than men. Eati...huh, what? Oh, sorry...BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE COMPLEX. Where was I...yeah, chocolate. Eating chocolate causes the brain to release the same endorphins released during sex. (And no, Miss Britney still doesn't know jack about either...or knows more than all of us put together, I can't decide.) The recent study indicating that dark chocolate contains valuable anti-oxidants which, while both nice and special, means jack shit to the dedicated chocolate lover. To paraphrase Valentine Michael Smith, "Chocolate is." Scenario: Hubby is going to the store, asks if I want chocolate. Mistake #1. Asks what kind of chocolate I want. Mistake #2. Brings home a Hershey bar and a Peppermint Pattie. All is forgiven.

Hungry? Try...

De Brito Chocolates

L.A. Burdick Chocolates

Hauser Chocolates

Valentine's Day is coming up. For those of you who celebrate it...don't fuck up.

Posted 01/31/02
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Wat Te Ell?

Also posted on

When did we, as English speakers, lose all respect for the letter H? The English language has some of the more Gordian rules, and I understand about the whole H-is-silent-thing in words like herb and...well, herb. But I've noticed a disturbing trend, among those who report the news in particular, to do away with the poor H altogether. They sound like a bunch of bloody Cockney cab drivers, "Wit a report from te field, it's Arry Enderson," or "Beats te ell out of me, Oward, e's got a ostage and e wants is orse." I keep expecting them to start calling each other 'guvna' and 'mate.' The phasing out of the H seems to have been a gradual process. Discovery Channel documentaries began featuring elderly scholars solemnly intoning 'Neandertal' instead of 'Neanderthal.' The Weather Channel makes mention of 'urricanes' and CSPAN reports on 'istory.' Now everyday parlance is infected...woman at the grocery store the other day asked me if I knew where the orseradish was. Bloody ell.

I ask you, where will it all end? Is the K next? It seems a fairly extraneous letter...knife and knee and so on. Or what about the Q? Not only is it useless (it's function could be performed easily by the K or the C) but it's ugly. It's a big circle with a little looks like the product of a drunken sculptor. "Bloody ell, Orace! Ave you been at the ooch again?! You were supposed to make te O, tat's all! Wat's tis dangly ting here? Kwick, clean it up before Kwincy sees it!"

I tink we sould all switc to Portuguese.

Posted 01/25/02
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For those of you who haven't surfed through the rest of my site (and just why the fuck not?!?), I give you The Horoscope. It's origins are shrouded in mystery, if I knew who to credit, I absolutely would. But for now, enjoy. Oh yeah, the Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for any heebie jeebies, personality schizms or brain farts that result from the reading of these horoscopes.

Aquarius (23 Jan-22 Feb) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a damn jerk.

Pisces (23 Feb-22 March) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (23 March-22 April) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (23 April-22 May) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (23 May-22 June) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (23 June-22 July) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't ever be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (23 July-22 August) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving assholes and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (23 August-22 September) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (23 September-22 October) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (23 October-22 November) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (23 November-22 December) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (23 December-22 January) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Posted 12/31/01
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Resolutions For The New Year

While my New Year's Resolutions tend to have approximately as much staying power as, oh say, the UN's, I still usually make the effort to at least write something down. So here goes...I hereby resolve to:

-Continue not believing one word that comes out of Dubya's mouth.
-Wonder what Britney Spears would look like in a ball gag and crop marks. (This one's for you, Dharma!)
-Wait breathlessly for Tom Cruise to come out of the closet.
-Learn the definition of zymurgy.
-Assassinate Martha Stewart.
-Try very, very hard not to neglect to death our wonderful wisteria bonsai.
-Make at least one lousy new friend.
-Actually have adult people over for dinner.
-Swim more.
-Make life intolerable for the door slamming bitch from downstairs so she'll move and stop knocking my pictures off the goddamned wall.
-Create something every day.
-Get paid for creating something every day.
-Stop yelling at the kids quite so much.
-Quit being so smug about living in Florida.
-Increase our pr0n collection.
-Increase my toy collection.
-Quit writing posts that consist of bulleted lists.

Posted 12/30/01
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Hey, Fat Boy...Yeah, You in the Red...

Dear Santa Claus,

Hi, remember me? I know we haven't spoken in a while, what with me growing up and all that, but I've been an exceptionally good girl this year. I gave up a very happy-making job to move to Florida so my Husband could get a job in his field, I'm not being at all stingy with the blow jobs and I haven't physically hurt anyone...lately. That said, I thought I'd hit you up for a few things:

1. A new back for the Husband. The one he's got doesn't work so well anymore and the surgery available doesn't so much 'fix' as 'fuck up worse,' so how about you just pop a new set of vertebrae in there one night while he's snoozin'.

2. Financial independence for the Husband's mom. The last thing she needs at this point in her life is to have to work for a small town Wal-Mart just to make ends meet.

3. A regular sleep schedule for our kids. In bed by 9 pm, sleep at least until 8 am. Seriously.

4. A Star Trek transporter for my parents so we will neither have to A) help with the move, nor B) hear them bitch about it.

5. For Persephone, a job reading books. And not any boring-assed technical texts either. Stuff she wants to read.

6. For Cooie, the ability to clone herself. So somebody can always be at Disneyland.

7. For Dharma, a lover who can be either a man or a woman and who will not only understand her every kink, but be really, really devoted to fulfilling them. And who will be interesting out of bed, too!

8. For Gordon, happy happy joy joy.

9. For Robyn and Todd, good health and a Tampa Bay Bucs Super Bowl.

10. For Kara, Bill Hemmer, slick up and pliable, in a fully stocked dungeon.

11. For Osama bin Laden, to be captured on video tape being raped by a rabid camel. Twice.

12. For France, annexation by Lichtenstein.

13. For Strom Thurmond, a raging case of the clap.

14. For Dubya, the Great and Powerful Oz to tell him he doesn't deserve a brain and to get the hell back in the cornfield.

15. For Attorney General Ashcroft, caught with four hermaphrodites in a seedy hotel room in Dubuque. With farm animals.

And for me...I just want spooge to taste like chocolate.


Posted 12/19/01
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I Got Your 'Performance Art' Right Here, Buddy

A "performance artist" in Nottingham, England broke two world records last Thursday. The records...wait for it...were 1) for the most peas eaten with a cocktail stick (is this a toothpick?) in three minutes and 2) for the most grapes eaten with a plastic spoon in three minutes.

I'm sorry, I don't call that art, I call that missing lunch.

Performance artists, yes, including Laurie Anderson, should all be rounded up and herded over the nearest cliff, lemming-like. I know art is subjective and open to interpretation....well, my subjective interpretation is that performance art sucks! And it requires little to no effort. I'm a visual artist, I have the moral high ground here. I slog through turpentine, oil paints, clay, chalk, pastels, charcoal and Photoshop 6.0 to produce my little lovelies...some dink with bad hair can slap on a leotard and roll around on a stage, covered in mustard, to the sounds of cicadas and be considered an artist? Not in my world, buddy.

Posted 11/12/01
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Do Ya Think I'm Sexy

Some thoughts on the current standard of beauty...

I forget the exact statistic, but something like less than 5% of the population resembles your average "Supermodel", yet these women are held as the standard of beauty. Stories come out of Hollywood with sickening frequency of starlets starving themselves to skeletal thinness at the behest of producers/directors. How did this happen? In a country where the average dress size of the average woman is 12 to 14, when did size 0 become the epitome of beauty?

My theory is this: the media (not just press but periodical as well) has taken what is essentially a gallery showing and made it into an everyday sight. I speak, of course, of the haute couture fashion shows of Paris/Milan, etc. In these shows, designers are working as artists, not clothing designers. Ultra-thin women are used as models because the designers don't want the lines of their clothes distorted by a breast or hip or any sort of curve. They want the design to speak, not the body. Ready-to-wear garments bear no resemblance to these often abstract, one of a kind creations. Therefore, why should real women bear any resemblance to the models displaying the clothes? These are not average women. And the average man does not wish to actually have sex with someone that skinny as they have no particular fondness for being perforated by razor-sharp hipbones. The models used by Lane Bryant and other so called "plus-sized" retailers are the average woman. Gabrielle Reese, Mia Hamm and Steffi Graf are all average women. Kate Winslet, Kathy Najimy and Marcia Gay Harden are all average women. Stop trying to make us all walk the runway. That way lies despair...and the consolation of Ring Dings.

Posted 10/04/01
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Give Bitchslapping a Chance

This is the most succinct peacenik rebuttal I have seen yet...

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1. Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation."
# 2. Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence."
6. Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Posted 09/30/01
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