Sekimori - Live Blog
Conversations With A 2 1/2 Year Old

After an incident involving orange juice, Honeycomb, the coffee table and mommy yelling...

Her: (sobbing) I wuh-want y-you to muh-make me happy!

Kill me now.

Posted 05/28/02 in Conversations
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Mommy & Molly

Playing with the new digital camera...

Mommy & MollyMommy & MollyMommy & Molly
Mommy & MollyMommy & MollyMommy & Molly
Mommy & MollyMommy & MollyMommy & Molly
Mommy & MollyMommy & MollyMommy & Molly
Mommy & MollyMommy & MollyMommy & Molly
Posted 05/28/02 in Joy of Parenting
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Theater Of The Absurd

Okay, so let me get this straight... In the past week, we've been warned about possible terrorist attacks on rail and transit targets, landmark targets and bridge and/or the symbol of our nation's freedom targets.

Uh yeah. Say guys, can you get back with me when you've got something a little more solid to go on? I kind of have a life here that I'd like to get on with, ya know? I have no desire to peek in my neighbor's windows, desperate to determine if he's Maori or Iraqui. Neither am I going to stop flying/driving/commuting/walking/breathing/thinking just because you kinda sorta maybe have a whisper of a hint of a suggestion that something bad may or may not happen.

I have a niggling suspicion that this flood of "possibilities" is a large scale sort of Cover Thy Ass operation for our dear leaders. Or it could just be a disinformation/let's worry 'em to death campaign on the part of what's left of the Ooga Booga network, bless their dysentery-ridden little hearts. Either way, I have a feeling we're all just going to continue doing what we're doing.

But I have to wonder what they (whoever they, are) really expect? Panic in the streets? Massive withdrawals of life savings/trust funds, resulting in unprecedented economic collapse? Compulsive buying of bread and milk, as in dire weather situations? (And can someone take a moment and explain that one to me? Do tornadoes really avoid houses stocked with excess dairy products?)

Regardless of the they or the why, we will not be panicked. Guys, two very tall buildings fell down in our largest city, killing thousands. No panicking. And look what we did to you after you did that. We remodeled your country. Want to give it another go? Take on a bigger target? You won't be sowing dissension in this country, just your own destruction. The more of us you kill, the more of us answer FUCK, YES on the next "Should we bomb Country X back to dirt?" on the next Gallup poll.

You think we're mean and nasty now? Send in the suicide bombers. Because I tell you, I am not a violent woman by nature, but the second I see some ratfuck whip off his London Fog trench in the middle of a crowded Wal-Mart and grab for the detonator, I'm going to blow his fucking head off with my Constitutionally protected right to bear arms. Believe.

Posted 05/24/02 in Idiocy Abounds
Comments (1) · TrackBack (0)

Conversations With A Dedicated Carnivore

Me: She said she'd cook topless for you if you'd try tofu.
Him: So what does this tofu taste like anyway?

Posted 05/22/02 in Conversations
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Headline Translation Service

HTS Sponsored Today by Tom Ridge: "Make fun of my pretty colors, will you...the sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

FBI Warns of Attacks on New York Landmarks
Translation: We're Not Going To Feel Fulfilled Until You Are All On Xanax

U.S.: Extremists Will Get Mass Destruction Weapons
Translation: Boo!

FBI: Can't Stop Suicide Bombings
Translation: Aren't You All Pissing Your Pants Yet?

Federal Official Rules Out Guns in Airline Cockpits
Translation: We Say Bad Things Will Happen But We Don't Want Anyone To Be Able To Do Anything About Them

And in other news...

Bono's African Tour
Translation: Rare Wild Asshole Spotted In Africa

Posted 05/21/02 in Headline Translation Service
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Conversations With A Chicken McNugget

Her: (singing) I wuv to eat you, I wuv to eat you, I wuuuuuuv to eat you!
Nugget: (voiced by her, of course) Bok, bok, bok, bok.

Posted 05/19/02 in Conversations
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Conversations With A Two Year Old

Her: Is dis my top?
Me:, it belongs to both of you.
Her: Yes, it bewongs to bof of me.

Posted 05/17/02 in Conversations
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

It's A Joke!

My sister sends me a timely joke:

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the
beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the

The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with
a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the
Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here,
Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The
Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo
and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared
before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take
advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including
Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that
all his clothing was missing.

"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.

"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were
no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got
that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Posted 05/16/02 in Hyuck
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

Memo To My Uterus

Hi, hey, hello. Um. We've never really gotten along, have we? I'm sure it's pretty much your fault, bursting onto the scene like you did, flourishing your debilitating cramps, ridiculous bloating and drastic mood swings. Not really the best way to make friends, you know?

But I sort of thought I evened things up a few years ago when I made you stretch about 10 times your normal size and take care of my kid for 9 months. Twice. Ha ha. Ahem. And you were a good sport about it, I have to admit. Well, except for that whole thing with the umbilical cord wrapped around their necks... You know, those things aren't toys, you shouldn't play with them like that. But I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one...they are lively kids.

So I thought we were even. We'd found some kind of happy medium where I didn't ask you to take care of any more kids and you didn't cause gut-wrenching pain. Sure, there was more sex and that sticky stuff that you don't like so much, but you kept your cool and stuck with the lower back pain, and I really appreciate that.

But what's the deal now? What is with the 8 weeks without doing your job? Was there a previously scheduled vacation I was unaware of? You know you have to set these things up at least six months in advance with the Memory Department. I got a little freaked, I had to go to the doctor, you got poked, and then he made me take that stuff, that progesterone, to remind you what you were supposed to be doing. And that hurt. A lot. So now you're back on the job, but you seem to have forgotten that it's a five day job. Five days. Not eight or nine or ten! Five.

So, it pains me to have to say this...after all, we've been together for 32 years now... Get your shit together or you're fired. Really.


Posted 05/14/02 in Local News
Comments (0) · TrackBack (0)

It's Coming

With unconscionable things like kids playing "army and aliens" and shooting each other with their fingers going on, this article could very well be a glimpse into the future.

Zero tolerance policies are nice in the abstract, but their effectiveness completely depends on having people of intelligence and common sense to carry them out. School officials terrified of lawsuits, under pressure from higher-ups, or perhaps drunken with power, fall into exactly neither of those categories.

Part of the problem has to be the pittance that we pay our educators. The pathetic salary doled out to teachers will attract either those who are incapable of getting anything better or those who have a genuine love for teaching and children and who really want to help. Naturally, the former far outnumber the latter. And if you think someone who's making 25K a year and has to listen to the mouths on kids these days is getting a fair deal, then you should try it yourself. And most teachers pull double and triple duty, teaching classes then acting as coaches for various athletic programs, chaperones for dances, club leaders, etc.

So, what's the answer? Gee, could it be for parents to get off their asses and get involved? Go to every meeting, listen, ask questions, let the bastards know that we're watching every move they make with our most precious possessions. Doesn't it make sense that Vice Principal Wilson will think twice about performing thong inspections if she knows she's going to see enraged parents at every single school function/meeting until those kid graduate? And enough with leaving the school and the underpaid teachers to raise your children. They've got children of their own, the hell do they need with yours? If you're not providing structure and discipline at home, you're an idiot. If you're expecting a state/federally funded institution to do it for you, you're an asshole...or the parent of an incarcerated criminal. Take your pick.

And how about we pony up some cash for teacher salaries? Yeah, it's a public school, money coming from the government, but let's look at the statistics, shall we? 52 million students, 2.7 million teachers. If we (rather safely) assume that each family accounts for at least two kids, that means about 25 million families send kids to public school every day. If every family could come up with a mere $1000/year, teacher salaries would increase from the average of $41,000 to a more appropriate $50,258. And believe me when I tell you that it would drastically improve some parents interest in what went on at their kids' schools if they were actually paying for it. As pitiful as that is, some people just won't pay attention until their wallet is involved.

So. Should we kick in money for public school teacher salaries?

UPDATE - If you click "No," kindly stop by in the comments and tell me why.

Read More