Sekimori - Live Blog
Conversations With A Four Year Old

Upon eating his very first pluot (a large flavorful plum) and getting down to the pit: "Hey, maybe there's a prize in here!"

Posted 03/30/02 in Conversations
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More Conversation With A 4 Year Old

My son comes into my office, holding a purple jelly bean warily. "Mom, is this eggplant flavored?"

Posted 03/29/02 in Conversations
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Conversation With A 4 Year Old

Him: Mom, what day is it?
Me: Tuesday
Him: Um, how long will it be today?
Me: All day.

Posted 03/26/02 in Conversations
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Yeah, I've Still Got It

So it's 3 a.m., I'm stricken with insomnia once again. Head for the kitchen for some milk. This month's Rolling Stone is lying on the counter, some generic blonde chick in the latest mode of tattered undress gracing the cover. (Just for the record, it's a free subscription...I gave up on it years ago when music ceased defining my being, and when that ratfuck P.J. O'Rourke started showing up on a regular basis.)

So anyway, I'm idly scanning the cover as I drink (milk=good) and I spot this: Exclusive Photos! Apolo Ohno Peels Off the Bodysuit 'How Tiger Beat,' I think, then do the Bugs Bunny invisible-brick-wall-as-a-metaphor-for-epiphany routine...and I can't turn to page 111 fast enough. Oh. Yeah. Baby. What a time for my frickin' scanner to be toast. Because, of course, the online version of RS doesn't even admit to the existence of Ohno, much less that they've got an entire pictorial....of him in jeans...with no shirt...

Posted 03/22/02 in Fangirl
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Life, The Universe And Everything

I can hear my 4 year old son on the phone with my mother in the other room. "Nana, who made the universe?" I sigh heavily because I know what her answer is going to be...she was born and raised during the 40s in Northern Alabama...what do you think her answer's going to be? She replies and my son says, "He did?" Argh.

This is the toughest part of raising our far. What to tell them about religion. I am a recovered something, Baptist, Christian, I have no idea. I was frightened by a sermon when I was five years old. Up until that point, I thought God was much like Santa Claus, albeit somewhat sterner and not so much with the toys. So one shiny Sunday an Alabama Baptist preacher went into his song and dance about "fearing God" and that was it for little Seki. I was D-O-N-E with organized religion right then. My parents tried intermittently over the ensuing years to instill some kind of God-ness into me, to no avail. I had discovered books by then, history, sci-fi, philosophy, I read everything, and I was damned well making up my own mind about things. My husband went down a similar path, starting out as a Mormon then getting better. Though I would like to state for the record that the Mormons do some things better than anyone else...the way they take care of each other, for one, and their dietary laws make them some of the healthiest people on the planet.

So now, hubby and I are non-specific pagans and that's as specific as I'm going to get here. I have no particular desire to debate religion with anyone, and if you email me and tell me I'm going to hell, I'll send your address to as many spam generators as I can find and get Persephone to put a hex on your ass that will cause your genitals to shrivel up and fall off. Religion is one of those topics that polarizes people and few can speak rationally about it. Kind of like abortion or the Republican party.

With respect to my children, we're going to try and educate them that there are many beliefs and the true way is self-determined. What's right for Nana is not what's right for Mom and Dad...and that having different views doesn't lessen any of us. An attitude organized religion could do well to emulate.

Posted 03/22/02 in Me vs. Religion
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I was all set tonight to do a kung fu stylee takedown on this smarmy bastard from Cornell who blames promiscuous college girls for the moral decay of America. This smiling snapperhead brandishes a double standard that would choke a horse, equating tight pants with "sluttiness" and drawing a labored parallel between feminism and all that is festering evil. But the more I read, the more determined I became NOT to give this little bastard any more publicity than he's already gotten. Bad enough that Fark linked to him, albeit in a derisive, hey-look-what-this-asshole-said kind of way. So I thought about it, and decided the best thing I could do to combat this prick's particular brand of misogynistic religious fanaticism was post this link to VaginArts, a site devoted to art focusing on the vagina. Booyah.

Go fuck yourself, Sabia...because after this pretty gets around, no one else will.

Posted 03/20/02 in Idiocy Abounds
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Headline Translation Service

Israeli PM Orders Pullout, U.S. Envoy Flies In
Translation: First Politically Themed Porn Movie In Production

Sweet Drink May Boost Exam Performance
Translation: Sales Of Mountain Dew Code Red Expected To Skyrocket

Jolie-Thornton Adoption Delayed
Translation: Authorities Debate Wisdom Of Including "Freak" Option On Adoption Application

Rosie Gets Serious (And Comes Out)
Translation: Hey, Rosie O'Donnell Lives In Florida!

Psychic Network's 'Jamaican shaman' Was Born In L.A.
Translation: Oh Look, The Sky Is Blue!

Third Disney Abduction Suspect At Large
Translation: Disney Charges More For Admission

Russia Unveils Tourists' Spaceship
Translation: Flight Attendants To Get Uglier

Virgin Wants To Bed Playboy
Translation: [needs no alteration]

Strawberry Jailed After Drug Program Rejects Him
Translation: Conduct Standards For Baseball Players Raised

Bush 'displeased' Over Hijackers' Visas
Translation: President Under Impression Hijackers Used American Express

Posted 03/14/02 in Headline Translation Service
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Playboy Update

After an exhaustive search of this Playmate archive, I have determined that the Plastic Blonde Syndrome began around 1985.

Feel free to gather your own empirical evidence.

Posted 03/02/02 in She Blinded Me With Science
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Thoughts on Playboy

There have been a good many thoughts lately on Playboy, not those kind of thoughts. From Hefner bashing to how to save it to even more ways to save it. Does it need saving? Oh yes, dear children, in so many ways. We're going to leave out completely the business aspects of the magazine (esp. the fact that it lost $30 mil last year) and concentrate on content and big-boobed blonde women. Begin.


Aimed at the so-called playboy (a creature I personally believe became extinct sometime in the early 80s), ads for Harley Davidson and Buell motorcycles, FTD flowers, two different cigarettes and every type of liquor on the market litter the first twenty pages. The entire tone is elitist yet still lounge-lizard sleazy, the authors of some of the articles insist on referring to their male readers as "playboys" and ignore the female contingent completely. I'm not saying I want ads for tampons all over the place, but I think lightening up on the "ways to get more pussy" tone might be a nice start.

Big-Boobed Blonde Women

*sigh* If I want to look at Fembots, I'll rent Austin Powers. At least Cindy Margolis looks sort of like a real woman, not a slightly more animated Real with vibrating tongue! Sorry. Oh to be an airbrush artist and work for Playboy. If these people ever stop working to sleep, I'll be amazed. The procession of identical blonde Barbies has become so tedious that even I get moderately excited when I see that so-and-so is slated for a pictorial. But as this layout featuring 80s pop tart Tiffany shows they're more than capable of taking at least something approximating a real woman and plasticizing her into their founder's ideal. The Survivor 2 vixen, Jerry whassername, was rendered dull and mannequin-like by their ham-handed make-up artists and creatively-paralyzed photographer. And if that is Belinda Carlisle's ass, then I am the queen of England. And I'm not.

There is some good stuff in Playboy. Things that are actually useful and, dare I say, revolutionary...

What Rocks

" After Hours section includes excellent scoops on useful gadgets, new erotica releases, drink recipes, music releases, etc.

" Playboy Advisor remains hilarious and sensible at the same time. It should be required reading for teenaged boys and girls.

" Raw Data is fascinating, including random statistics and factoids from a wide variety of sources.

" Asa Baber is one of the finest writers working today and always has something interesting to say. And when Cynthia Heimel sits in, it's like a little gift from the gods.

" Newsfront is probably the best section of the entire magazine. It keeps a skeptical eye on the machinations of our Puritanical bureaucracy, making sure we know about it when school boards or governments get a little Scarlet Letter-ish in the noble pursuit of making us all as sexless as possible. This should be required reading for everybody.

So, Playboy, let's have less plastic blondes, more real women. Brunettes and red heads, even. Women with perceptible hips, natural breasts and with no visible bones protruding through their skin. More 80s icons, you're pandering directly to my generation's youthful fantasies there. And stop the airbrushing. Women have freckles, moles and wrinkles (you can keep the plucking rule though, thx) and it's unfair to portray the idealized version as not having these things. It confuses some *coughsimplecough* people. And don't succumb to the temptation to go the Hustler route....when we want split wet, there are more than enough places to get that. And we won't even mention the peeing. *shudder*

Okay then, I'm glad we had this talk. See you next month.

Posted 03/01/02 in She Blinded Me With Science
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